..people just talking about us, not wanting us to get married....
I usually dont post on here, but i am going through, some say that the comments have just started.... so one of my bridesmaids to be, told me that she doesnt like my FH & never has, she thinks that i could do better, that he has bagge & that he cant take care of me. YES he has 2 kids, but i have been around since one was 6 months, and the other was 2 almost 3... BUT who cares. They just think that i am settling because he has kids & ill never be first.. To me, i know that kids come before me.. BUT i am first in another way, if that makes sense, no adult or whatever comes before me. i am right there in the front. ( i personally dont even think like that ) but i know some do... so i am like ok. i dont expect that, the baby girl calls me mama, she still y oung, but i been around since the jump, lets just say... his baby momma is what you stero-typical baby daddy. So there is no drama no nothing, just always want us to have the kids, which is A-O-K with me, i love those kids to death & my friends just hate, the fact that we live together, that i am playing house and momma.. and it just gets too me... and to top it off, we work together, but on the other side of the building people (females) are talking hot shit about me... saying that im ugly and this and that, which is normal... some dont like that its an interracial relationship & that mess, which is commons sometimes, but i jsut have had it... i broke down crying yesterday, i told him that some of my friends arent happy for us... and that my lose friends acting, and that this shit at work.. idk.. its crazy. I just had to vent ... i love him though. So i dont care, i do find us hanging with our older friends that are married and settled and its just peaceful and fun... UGH why me!! does this always happen, or is this just me and some of my jacked up friends!?!
Posted On: Nov 4, 2009 at 12:19 PM
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Like you said... "Who Cares?!" If YOU are happy then don't let it get to you! You're never going to have everyone happy for you no matter how much you try. Just live your life how you want to
Try not to let the stress get to you babe. Its your day and you are planning your wedding because you BOTH chose to spend the rest of your lives together. F***K what anyone else has to say. They seem like they are jealous anyway. Furthermore, his children are yours also. You are the stepmom, and if they love you and respect you there is nothing that ANYONE can say to you about how you are taking care of them. I mean come on! People are so damn petty now a days. You love your man, you love his children, and you will be one big happy loving family so tell everyone "Thank you for your opinion but i'm happy" and keep it moving! By the way...you are a beautiful woman...don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise!!!!!!!
People will always have something to say as long as you are happy and respected thats all that matters. I notice that some of my firneds started to act funny once I was engaged, I hate to think its all jealousy but that always seems to be the first word that comes to mind when I think of there new attitudes. I know it may be hard but ignore than and keep the negative engery out of your life.
I think you are in a very health relationship and you have a very realistic view of your new "family". For so many relationships where one side has kids you see a internal fight for attention and you have excepted and understand that his kids will always come first to him but also know that you come before any other outsider to him as well. Kids are a blessing and it sound like they need a mother figure like you and you are doing a wonderful job filling that. Not many people have the guts, nerve and ability to fill the shoes you have taken on. Your friends might not realize how your relationship is different from some relationships we witness and are worried for you, but are just not expressing it well. As for co-workers, they are not your friends and are not trying to make themselves friends either. Screw them. I think you are beautiful and you have a lot of good ahead of you. Look at what you have and be proud and happy for that. Those other girls are just jealous. LOL
As a mom, who married a man without kids...I felt weird with the fact that he was "settling" on us. BUT his friends and his family and he have NEVER ever felt that way or said anything about me having my child, other than what a blessing my son is. They've never treated my son differently than if it were his own child. That being said - you've gotta figure out your friendships.."close" friends don't always stay that way. Even if she feels that way...keep it to herself and be supportive. AND People are ignorant - race and "traditional" concepts of marriage are dinasauric and that justice of the peace who wouldn't marry that couple recently that's all over the news...might just change his mind because his hatred has ruined his life and reputation - he just ended his career and is getting sued. There are people who will celebrate each union as a victory for civil rights and how true love can conquer ignorance and hatred. Ok...stepping off my CHEESEY soapbox now...
It's so unfortunate that people always talk negative things about others. The most important thing is that you and your FH are happy!! You knew when you got into the relationship that he had children and you accepted it. It was a package deal. It was your decision and no one elses. Ignore them!! People get really jealous when they see others that are happy! Alot of times it comes from the people that are closest to us. Enjoy your planning and your life! Don't let anyone ruin your plans or your future!!! Wishing you all of the best! By the way, your a beautiful and intelligent woman!! Don't ever forget that!
AWWW thanks everyone... its just stressful how people always have something to say , and im like wow.. the funny thing about this,, is that the people at work that are talking are not even on the same side of us.. its crazy.. it makes no sense.... as far as my friends i mean, my best friend dont even talk to me anymore, because im stupid and its just that i have no responsibility and that why would i settle with someone who has kids & its just crazy to me.. me and him want 2 more kids, like i love the kids, those are my babies when we get them.. i dont care what anyone says... its just he told me about a month ago, jsut watch people are going to start talking mess because your happy and im hapy and that is just how is goes. Some of his friends, didnt say anything like nothing when he told them that he was engaged. It was crazy.. UGH why! I told him lastnight that i didnt want a wedding lets just go to the courthouse and get married. and he was like no, we will have family and few selected friends lex, dont let people ruin this for you.
What's important is that you are true to yourself and your feelings. If you love your man and he loves you, that's all that matters (kinda cheese and generalized, but you get the point). I can kinda see what your friends concerns might be. It's easy for someone outside the relationship to have opinions and comment on it. But they don't really know the relationship like the two of you do. Your friends might just be concerned that you have to "compete" for his affection with his kids. A good friend will voice their concerns, but will support you in your choices. As far as other people (aka haters) are concerned, try not to let them get to you. Some people are just insecure and jealous, and they take it out on other people. Most of the time, it's not personal.
Brush the HATERS off. You know what you want and he knows what he wants, some people just don't want to see anyone happy. Misery loves company! Your FH is right, don't let anyone ruin your happiness, his happiness or the wedding you want. (hugs)
It sounds like your 'friends' aren't friends at all (this goes for your co-workers also), and are most likely jelaous of your relationship and the life you are starting with your FH and his kids, (Which, by the way, checked out your photos and you guys look great and those kids are a.d.o.r.e.a.b.l.e!!) If anyone makes comments to you, Just smile and say "I'm sorry you feel that way, But I'm not sorry that I am happy, in a healthy relationship with a man I love dearly, and children that I think of as my own, perhaps, one day, you can learn to love and be loved like me, if you can learn to not be judgemental" AND you are BEAUTIFUL! Why on earth they would call you ugly? Perhaps because they are jealous of your looks (I saw this on a talk show, women only trash talk about another womans body ie: calling them sluts and ho's, when they are jealous of their 'assets' and the attention they can get.) If 'friends' don't get the hint, I would say just dump them all together as friends. CON'T
I wouldn't want that negitivity in my life or at our wedding. I'm happy your in love and in a mature realtionship. Obviously your 'freinds' and co-workers aren't mature enough for one, or, are in one and it's not what it's cracked up to be and they're jealous of your relationship..
Lexa, Don't you worry about those ppl, just let them go, they are not worth your time or thought. I know how hard it is though to not care about ppl's opinions and to be hurt by what ppl say, trust me, been there done that... LOL. Lets just say that I got into an argument with FH's friends cause they said that "FH should be more decent and call his friends back" needless to say I went on a rampage, LOL! I was POED that they said that, then we exchanged emails, and I admit, looking back it was very immature, and ridiculous! Anyways, so basically she called me a bitch.... wasn't too fun, but you learn to brush it off and move on, Yes I am still upset about it but I have not talked to her in a long time, and I couldn't be happier.
The best "revenge" is to be happy and successful. You have that with him, so go live your life. There will always be petty jealousy in offices. You are only there to make a paycheck, not be anyone's BFF. Its great when that happens, but I think your reason for being there was to put you in your FH's life, first and foremost.
why is this girl a BM if she doesnt agree with you guys getting married?? your wedding party is supposed to stand with you and be there for you and be supportive of your marriage. why did she agree to do that and then tell you she doesnt agree with you getting married??
Ditto Shell. We ended up "kicking" a groomsman out of the wedding because he didn't agree with my man marrying me because I was a B*&@!. It was a stressful, tearfilled, decision but WW girls helped me get through it and my hubby and I are happily married now!
Nobody ever "settles" for somebody with children. If anything it is much, much more of a commitment. By the sounds of it, you, your FH and his & your kids/stepkids have a fantastic relationship and all know AS A FAMILY who is who and who and what is important. Ignore the doubters and get on with making them even more jealous by having a fantastic and proud day and being HAPPY!!!!
OK....I guess I will have to play the devils advocate. I just have two thoughts. How long have you known your BM's? Maybe they are seeing something that you don't and if nothing else, you should just hear them out. I am not saying that you should agree, but at least listen to what they are saying and their reasoning and then decide what you want to do. Secondly, I am not sure if you are a spiritual person, but biblically speaking, the wife ALWAYS comes before the children. You will be joining as one and you can not let anyone, including children, come between you once you are married. Yes, take care of the kids, but also believe that you come first. Finally, I would suggest marriage counseling. If nothing else, it may help you get past your anger at your friends and address the things that they are seeing. I say all of this from experience. Often you listen the least to the people that you should listen the most to. Good luck and I hope everything works out!
U are very lucky to have people around u that care enough to have an opinion. When I got married for the first time I wished there was someone there to tell me I was making the biggest mistake of my life! But no one got in to it.. So I married at 19 to a father of 3 boys. Its not easy girl. I loved those kids too but, bottom line is that u are not their real momma. I put so much effort into that relationship to make it work but I got tired of coming up last in everything. Its not about being greedy, its about knowing your self worth. Do what ur heart tells you. Time will tell Good Luck!
yeah i get what everyone is saying. and i do know that the WIFE comes first ... but i dont see it lilke that.. he doesnt push or put me in the back. and i know that i am marrying him not his kids.... but at the same time... every situation is different... i am close to them. and he isnt that type. when things come up with the kids. IM there also talking with the mom and him. because im part of it.. so if it wasnt like that, then yeah, i would think a lil different. but i dont.. but thanks for the advice.
I am sorry but I have to agree with SHELL, I don't know where in the bible it says that the wife comes first b.4 kids, I know that its supposed to be that you and your FH are "equal" and are to stand next to eachother but when kids are involved I always thought kids come first, thats just me though....
You know..If people would just mind their own business life would be SO MUCH SWEETER. If these are you "friends" then they will be happy with whomever you choose to be with. Some people absolutely kill me trying to tell you who you should or should not be with. Tell them to mind their own dang business.
SHELL, REDDIVA and LEXA When looking at scriptures that talk about the family unit, it refers to the husband/wife first, THEN the children. For example, Ephesians 5:22-6:4. This addresses the wife and husband first. Then it addresses the children. At this point, since you are not married, then the children will come first, but once you are married, you should take your rightful role and come before them. Again, I would suggest that everyone consider marriage counseling to make sure that you and FH are on the same page. Once you are sure that both of you are on the same page, then do not concern yourself with the opinions of others. As a clarifier, if the husband or wife is out of order (ie abuse) then the children would come before the spouse. (ie protecting them from the abuse).
I think every relationship is different, alot of moms and step mom's are side by side with their husbands, and sometimes the kids are first sometimes not, as long as the partners are equal :) And Lexa, If your relationship works for you and your FH and you're both happy, ignore what everyone else has to say about it
Lexa first of all we know your not ugly your beautiful on the outside but more imp. since fist connecting on the site I've known you to be beautiful on the inside as well. girl people are going to talk and Im not going to say don't let it hurt your feelings because when someone sets out to hurt you it does hurt. However, I will say dont let anyone or anything come between you and your partner. If you are in a healthy relationship and have no problem with his children it shouldnt be a problem for anyone else! Let me tell you ppl talked made stuff about me because I met FH online, cuz he lives in the UK but I KNEW he was the man God had designed for , me so I never allowed their doubt to negatively impact our bound and look a us now...about to get married in a happy, healthy, Blessed relationship! And those ppl that talked bad about me are still in their mess. So hold your head high and have Faith in what you and your FH are and will continue to build!
those people are not your friends or the green eyed monster of jeloucy has come out b/c you have something they don't have and they want, so if your happy the hell with everyone else
I think that we all agree to disagree since every situation is diff and depending on ur belives. I personally wouldnt date someone that had kids but thats because of my experiences. For your part it seems that you and the children have a beautiful relationship and u dont have baby momma drama so even better. Your friends should respect your decisions and if there not happy for you than she shouldnt even be standing up there with you that day. The one that was going to be my MOH was acting the same way because i wouldnt be around much after i got with my FH and u dnt need that. So u knw what u have and what ur happy with everything else shouldnt matter im happy fot the kind of realtionship that u have. I have a niece and my bro new girl seems to be a lil jealous of her and i hate that. Ur a great person and just be happy u deserve it. Good luck and think twice about having her as ur BM those are not real friends. Real friends try and tell u things without hurting u and give u heads up.
i read most of the replies, and i don't think you need to hear any of these rabid people out! not just that, but although the Bible says the wife comes before all, the Bible also has spots which contradict things. oh and for those who think it's ok for a spouse to come before children:i've worked as a caregiver in a home where a woman put her husband, before her kids(and this was not their father), and her oldest went from being close, to completely avoiding her, and this poor girl did everything she could, to make her mom happy! her stepfather grounded her FROM CHURCH. i've made it well known in my home, that anything I GAVE BIRTH TO, will always come before SOMEONE I FOUND, even if that person is the reason i have my children. it's called maternal/paternal instinct, and if you have it, you know what i'm talking about...
but his wifey is right, it is to each his own, and this is a spot where agreeing to disagree, is the best possible action. as one poster said, it's much more of a commitment to marry someone who has kids. i'm doing it, and we were engaged LONG before we had our son. and i've definitely learned, just because i'm STEPmom, doesn't mean that when those kids are here, i'm not THE mom. my stepdaughter(god i hate that term!), loves me like chocolate ice cream ;) she'll trade her dad for my, any day! if my fiance were going shopping, and i'm taking a walk, she'll be crawlin up my butt, before she goes with daddy. but that's simply because her mom has never had anything to do with her, and fh's 2nd wife(ex wife, yep we both been married twice before), literally pretended my stepdaughter didn't exist, and she STILL does it. to the extent of telling us at a child support hearing, that my SD is OF NO MATTER TO HER, not even ALIVE!!! took all i had, not to reach across the table and.....oh yeah!
You are the one that has to marry him. Not everyone is going to agree with what you do. But you have to live with the choice. You knowwhat your man is about. "Fly above all the haters"
thanks for all the comments.. its crazy how things work out. i agree with some but not all. i do know that in the bible it states that wife comes before. and i get that.. but what i amsaying is im not petty. as too where its just i expect that. i know that todd would and will do anything.and im right there with him with the kids. its crazy. but idk.. i appericate the good and the bad. everyone has they own views.. lol.. i dont ever write things on here for this reason.. lol i see how some people can go to the extreme.. lol but thanks for all the input..
I would at least think about what they are saying but in the end, you are with him, not them, you love him, if you don't see the faults as faults, then so be it. Continue being happy and best of luck with everything.. as for the wife comes before children, step children or not, the kids always come first.
oh it's not just you. anytime that a non parent falls for a "parent" of a child their friends and family are going to say that we're just settling or that he/she's not good enough for us. my one friend does the same shit. but the only difference is my friend actually tells my honey that to his face and won't tell me. then when i ask her about it she tries to tell me she never said it... but come on i can tell when she is lying to me i'm not an idiot! god i've known her for 21 years. but your friends will come around if not then it's their loss. your the happy one your the only one that matters (besides him and the kids of course). as long as you guys are happy then your friends have no right to meddle in your happiness. it's ok to listen and hear them out, but if it's just because YOUR happy and they feel like crap about you being happy or not being around them much anymore then tell them to screw off! don't let them get to you!
the kind of people who would say things like that to someone whos in a happy, healthy relationship, are not the kind of people you wanna stay friends with anyway. sometimes when people get married, older friends who are already married are usually better friends cuz the ones who arent yet get jealous. and btw you are NOT ugly. there are no ugly girls on this site, and you are beautiful!
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