firing a MOH

So, I want to know if I am overreacting.
Backstory: my fiance had a stroke. we were in the hopsital for 4 days. family in town for 3 weeks straight. many other things not so good.
Problem: my MOH never called, emailed, facebooked, text, or anything, although my cousin told her about it the day after the stroke happened. i told her a week later that it upset me--via phone and email. she writes back 3 weeks post stroke to say she purposely chose not to contact me because she was mad that I thought she should have contacted me.
Delimma: the wedding is 9 months out. she hasn't been supportive through the process anyhow. not returning calls, not getting excited, not talking about anything, and obviously showing no want to participate. that's all cool. until this. when a trama strikes, you have a moment to evaluate things. so, what do i do?
and...has anyone ever 'excused' a MOH from their duties before?

Posted On: Nov 4, 2009 at 2:47 PM

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HappilyTogether
Community Megastar

Wedding: 06/12/2010

28 Comments | Login or Signup to post a comment!


Tracey
Community Superstar

Wedding: 05/22/2011
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 2:50 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I haven't ... but I would like to reiterate my post from a few days ago about "close" friends vs. "good" friends. Just because someone has known you the longest or sees you the most does not make them a good friend. You should think about who really cares about you the most and would think that your happiness with the wedding is the most important thing, not their own petty problems.
This is the one day in your life when, yes, it is ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FH!!!
9 months is plenty of time to replace her. She wounds like so many girls I have cut out of my life!!!

Amanda
Community Superstar

Married: 11/21/2009
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 2:53 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I did, for a similar reason. My fiance had to be medevac'd out of Iraq about a year ago, she told me I was being selfish to tell her I couldn't go to dinner with her the night he flew back into the country. I had no intention of letting him get off that plane to no one, and would have been there no matter what. She didn't get it and it led to me telling her that if she couldn't support me, then I had no need to have her around, she had let me down many times before. Now, a year later and 2 weeks prior to the wedding, she never even got an invitation to the wedding. There was quite a bit more drama to it than that, but that's the short version. Needless to say, I don't need people like that in my life, much less at my wedding.

beckyboo
Community Headliner

Wedding: 08/11/2011
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 2:53 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
First off, I am so sorry your FH had a stroke! Is he okay? I'll keep you and my family in prayers. Now down to the issue...I've never done this but I think you should sit her down and have a straight and honest conversation with her about it. Tell her that she's not been a real friend and you don't think she is deserving of this honor. Tell her what you said here, that she's not supportive, she's not excited. Maybe explain that its a tough job and you don't think she's cut out for it. I hope this helps! Best of luck!

Konichiwa
Community Superstar

Wedding: 01/17/2010
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 2:57 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I agree with Tracey about evaluating your friendship with this person. This is your wedding and you have to decide if you want someone to stand up for you (especially since she is your MOH) that doesn't actually support you in every way. If you can't honesty say that she's a true enough friend to do that for you then I'd say you should cut her from the wedding.

Marcy G
Community Newcomer

Wedding: 05/15/2010
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 3:20 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I think you know the right thing to do is fire her but you are just looking for reassurance. Yes I personally would fire her. She has a proven track record to not be there for you and the last straw for me would be with the stroke of your FH. 9 months is plenty of time to get a replacement. The last thing you want is to keep her then a few weeks before the wedding she does something unthinkable the it's too late, the programs have been printed, etc. Save yourself future headaches.

arlala555
Community Superstar

Wedding: 05/15/2010
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 3:29 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
Well last night I sort-of ended up firing my MOH but, at the end it became mutual. She was doing the same things that your MOH is doing. So do what feels right in your heart. I am bumping up one of my bridesmaids. She's been my friend since I was 6 and I am almost 24. She moved away for college and I figured why not just put my Friend I see weekly as the MOH. At the end of it all I found out who my close and good friends were.

Lucky_Girl23
Community Superstar

Wedding: 02/13/2010
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 3:37 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I had to "fire" my original MOH because she kept trying to change everything I wanted and she started to say terrible things about my relationship with my FH. It's been over 6 months since I've said a word to her. Now with 4 months to the wedding she's not being invited. I think you should sit her down and tell her what you think about the situation. If you want to keep the friendship you should dismiss her gently. But if you're thinking she's not a good friend at all then do it however you feel best.

pixsigirl
Community Headliner

Wedding: 07/02/2010
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 4:38 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I've never fired a MOH but I did fire a BM. In the end you'll be happy you did.

Not-A-Bridezilla
Community Megastar

Wedding: 05/15/2010
Posted On: Nov 04, 2009 at 5:36 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I fired a BM... she might not be too happy about it and I'm not proud of the way I did it but I think that in the end it was what worked out best for both of us. We're no longer friends (only facebook friends) but we wanted different things out of life anyways (she was happy to sit at home and squeeze out babies even though they couldn't afford it, where I want a career first) so it probably wouldn't have lasted. It's not the most pleasant thing in the world to but but it is probably what is best. Good luck with your decision!

HappilyTogether
Community Megastar

Wedding: 06/12/2010
Posted On: Nov 06, 2009 at 2:00 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
thanks for the advice. i'm just really nervous about having to talk to her. since the first couple of times i tried to talk with her did not go well, i'm sure this conversation will only be worse!!

HappilyTogether
Community Megastar

Wedding: 06/12/2010
Posted On: Nov 10, 2009 at 2:17 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
so, I told her that I felt as though she wasn't there for me and wasn't interested in the wedding and that she seemed to have no interest in becoming interested in me or the weedding. so, unless I have misinterpreted the messages (or lack there of!!) that she has sent me, then I am just going to stop putting effort into her and not make her a priority in my everyday life or the wedding.
she wrote back to tell me that she will give me a couple of months to rethink my answer. and THAT WAS IT!!!! so, i feel really good about my decision and listening to you guys about firing a MIA MOH!!!!!!!!! :) THANKS!!!!!

LovelyUnique
Community Megastar

Wedding: 02/11/2010
Posted On: Nov 10, 2009 at 2:27 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
Good JOB!!

yadayada
Community Superstar

Married: 10/30/2009
Reviews: 4
Posted On: Nov 10, 2009 at 2:28 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
Well, to be honest, I think you *did* overreact when it came to her interest in your wedding. Not everyone enjoys wedding planning, and people are your BMs because they are your good friends, not because of how much they like to help out with wedding planning. That said, her reaction when your FH had a stroke was totally unacceptable and selfish, and speaks more broadly of her regards for your friendship outside of the wedding.

JJ
Community Superstar

Married: 10/17/2009
Posted On: Nov 10, 2009 at 2:36 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
oh I am sorry...Weddings bring out the best and worst in people. I'm pretty sure that you should not have her in your wedding party, from the information you have provided. I don't know how close of friends the two of you really are. People change over time also.

Jessy D.
Community Superstar

Wedding: 05/30/2010
Posted On: Nov 10, 2009 at 2:43 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
Something to consider is that people have very different responses when a friend is in crisis. Some people are going to be right there with you... physically, or calling, or something else active. Other people are going to make an assumption that you need some space to deal with it... and that you're likely getting swamped by other folks who want to help out.
.
I have a tendency to be the latter type of person. And it took a few friends experiencing difficulties and then a crisis of my own for me to realize that while some folks might back off in a time of crisis with good intentions in mind, the person in crisis is most likely feeling the opposite.
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I would talk to her about it and tell her that you really needed her to be there for you when your FH was in the hospital. It sounds like she already feels bad about it... since you said something about her being worried that you'd be angry with her.


Jessy D.
Community Superstar

Wedding: 05/30/2010
Posted On: Nov 10, 2009 at 2:44 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
As far as the wedding planning goes... she'll never be excited about it as you are. How can she be? You are the one getting married! :) The wedding is 9 months out... I'm sure she'll be full of joy and excitement for you as the time gets closer.

HappilyTogether
Community Megastar

Wedding: 06/12/2010
Posted On: Nov 11, 2009 at 2:27 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
your MOH should be excited. in fact, everyone you invite to the wedding should be excited and happy for you. that's the point of a wedding is to share something wonderful happening to you with the people who care.
beyond that, the MOH should show up to appointments that are scheduled just for her, and not decide something else is more important (happened 3 times). BMs can be less enthusiastic, MOHs not so much.
and as for someone claiming to be your BF and not saying 1 nice or semi-nice thing to me/you when going through a crisis, well, that is just sad for everyone involved, including the person who cannot muster up the courage to at least say "i'm sorry that you are going through a hard time, but I just can't deal with it right now"

Rosie
Community Headliner

Wedding: 06/27/2010
Posted On: Nov 11, 2009 at 3:40 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
Agreed, and I disagree totally with yadayada. Your moh should be your right hand gal and there with you and for you EVERY step o the way. It should be someone that can also know that you would do the same for them too.
You are doing the right thing, but I also think you should not let your friend give you a "couple months" to think it over. You have to make it final and tell her it's off...and replace her so you can start getting some real moh support.
Good luck


yadayada
Community Superstar

Married: 10/30/2009
Reviews: 4
Posted On: Nov 11, 2009 at 4:37 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
Well, I stand by my comment, being a good friend and enjoying wedding planning are two totally different things. In OP's case, the MOH wasn't a good friend because she wasn't there for her when her FH was in the hospital. Some people can find looking at ribbon colors and floral arrangements excruciating, but will still be there in a time of need. Those people should not get kicked out of the wedding party, in my opinion.

JulyBride
Community Megastar

Married: 07/25/2009
Reviews: 5
Posted On: Nov 11, 2009 at 6:22 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I fired a bridesmaid, I have a whole long story but I have told it many times so I will spear everyone hearing it again :) But when it came down to it, it was definitly the right thing for me to do. The rest of the wedding party, including my husband was VERY happy to not have her there after the sh** she pulled, and I can look through all of our wedding photos without feeling angry and bitter that she is in them. So you definitly have to do what you feel is best, some things you just have to trust your gut instinct on.

future mrs.conway
Community Megastar

Wedding: 11/19/2010
Posted On: Nov 11, 2009 at 7:17 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
hahah I fired my MOH. Long story short she became like crazy. She said she was too superficial etc. She did some shady sh** too and I couldn't put up with it. I stayed out of the way and she felt i was not supporting her. So one day i told her we are done. it ended our friendship which got me out of having her as my maid of honor.

Rosie
Community Headliner

Wedding: 06/27/2010
Posted On: Nov 12, 2009 at 12:06 AM | Flag As Inappropriate
To put your good decision in perspective...I haven't even chosen a bridal party yet but my friends are already at my side. They email me dress pics and ideas for colors and call frequently. One is even flying in now for thanksgiving to go dress shopping with me. And they do this from afar as we don't even live in the same cities. That was what you should have been getting from your moh all along.

cuteangelfan
Community Superstar

Wedding: 04/10/2010
Posted On: Nov 12, 2009 at 12:25 AM | Flag As Inappropriate
I fired my Moh, well i demoted her..shes still a bm. but, i got no phone calls from her, she said she was fine spending 150 on the dress, then changes her mind and says she wants someone to make it for her for 40 dollars, i thought that would be a really cheap dress. then, she went to see our venue and said it was comfortable. even today she still doesnt get excited for me and she only got somewhat excited about the bachelorrete (sp?) party..bc i told her id think about going to a bar...idk i think weddings sometimes make girls jealous..and those truly happy for you..should be there..and support you and call you

Deionici W.
Community Newcomer

Wedding: 09/04/2010
Posted On: Nov 16, 2009 at 3:57 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I would totally fire her. It's about you and your FH. There are too many means of communication to not have reached out to say "Hey I'm here if you need me" or "Is everything ok." You don't need the negative energy IMO.

Danielle F.
Community Megastar

Married: 07/03/2009
Reviews: 5
Posted On: Nov 16, 2009 at 4:02 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I got rid of 1 MOH and 1 BM before I got to my wedding. And I was ready to fire the MOH i had. She was doing something similar to yours and I just didn't trust her anymore and she was treating the other girls like crap. In the end I definately wish I would have because she just went and did her own thing that day and wasn't around me until a half hour before the wedding. It turns out after I got married she tried to stab me in the back by flirting with my HUSBAND! she called him sexy and talked about using sex cupons with him trust me I put a stop to that and now we don't talk. But I would say go with your heart if it says its time to let her go then I'd do so. Good Luck and I hope your FH is ok!

erikatarrance
Community Superstar

Wedding: 07/23/2010
Posted On: Nov 16, 2009 at 4:23 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
My MOH is on her last string, we have been friends over 15 years and the minute I get engaged she starts acting funny, so far she has missed 2 dress appointments and has yet to ask me when can she reschedule. She just simply doesnt care. I think you did the right thing.

dai69
Community Superstar

Wedding: 10/10/2010
Posted On: Nov 16, 2009 at 4:45 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
I'm totally not 'feeling' the whole MOH thing. One because I am not really close with anyone like that, my FW is my bestfriend and two, I don't want any DRAMA! So I am thinking reallllll hard....

DawnDawn
Community Superstar

Wedding: 03/14/2010
Posted On: Nov 16, 2009 at 4:54 PM | Flag As Inappropriate
Good for you. Bridal party members need to stand behind you when you need them and she obviously does not. Hope all is well with FH.
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