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Changing Last Name

So I'm a feministy, women's rights kind of person who doesn't care much for tradition. I don't believe its fair that a woman should have to change her name when she gets married (we aren't property anymore!). Men don't have to worry about changing their identity, why should women? However, I'm wondering about the practicality of keeping my own last name. Looking for any insight on how inconvenient it is going through life with a different last name than the husband, with people assuming you aren't married or assuming you have the same last name, etc.
He understands why I don't think its fair and he agrees, but it is still really important to him that I change my name and he refuses to change his to hyphenated so we can still have the same name but keep our separate identities. I am conflicted - I want him to be happy, but not at the expense of my happiness. I'm a terrible decision maker and this is one that will affect me for the rest of my life. I don't want to regret it. Any advice?

amc

Married: 08/28/2009
Reviews: 3

Posted On: Nov 23, 2008 at 12:39 PM | Vendors are allowed | Add to My Watchlist | Flag As Inappropriate

8 Answers

This question is closed for answers.

Laura K.

Married: 05/15/2009
Reviews: 7

Posted On: Nov 23, 2008 at 6:04 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
I feel for ya. I am totally freaked out about the idea of having an entirely new name after 30 years of the same name. It just seems so odd to me. I am surprised people don't make a bigger deal about this or find it as jarring as I do. I will be changing my name to my fiance's, not because he will own me, but because it shows a certain unity in all matters. We are one family, so one family name makes sense. For our situation it is certainly easier for me to be the one to make the change. I think that there would be many complications to having separate names, insurance papers, hospital visits, anytime that a direct family member has special privileges. Also, if you have children whose name will they have? and how to explain why mommy and daddy have different names? I think it's a personal choice up to you. But as I struggle with the upcoming change I remind myself that my identity is more than my last name and I will still be me. I will have a new married life and a name to go with it

evergeneva

Married: 09/06/2009
Reviews: 7

Posted On: Nov 24, 2008 at 5:22 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
I grew up with a different last name than my mom, NOT a huge inconvenience. People make assumptions, nothing you can do about that (and folks will make them whether you change, hyphenate, or keep your name). You just politely correct folks and move on, no big deal. My FMIL kept her name, NEVER regretted it. She says its daily affirmation of herself and her values, helped her raise fair-minded kids that recognize sexism in the world. My FI's last name is hyphenated (he and his parents regret this). He runs into problems like his state ID doesn't have the hyphen, but his passport does so he has trouble verifying his identity, checking into flights, etc. I'm keeping my last name because its important to me. Why is it so important to your FI that you change your name? What you go by and your legal name can be different, so find a compromise that makes you both happy. You can change your name any time after marriage, so don't feel pressured to do it right away. Good luck!

kaycerenee

Married: 04/26/2008
Reviews: 7

Posted On: Nov 25, 2008 at 7:15 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
I grew up living with my mom (who kept her maiden name) and my step-dad (who obviously does not share my last name), and it was never a problem. My step-mom kept her name as well, so I guess it's sort of a normal thing to me. It's SO MUCH easier to keep your own name. No need to reestablish yourself professionally or suffer through the hassle of actually changing it. No potential of your friends not being able to find you, and no signing emails Smith (formerly Jones). Plus, I love my name. =D The difference for me, though, is that my husband was really supportive (if not enthusiastic) about me keeping my name. Honestly, I would have put more time and thought into the decision if it had been important to him, but I still think I would have arrived at the same conclusion. I've been me my whole life. I don't see why I should be anything else now.

Teleprunya

Married: 07/18/2009

Posted On: Nov 27, 2008 at 3:57 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
My Fiance and I both agree that it isn't necessary to change the woman's last name. Still... I would really like to have the same last name as him, but I don't like his last name and my last name just doesn't "fit" him. Hyphenating our last name would make it REALLY long so neither of us want to do that. So I suggested to him that we both change our last names to something different. He is ok with the idea because he has the mentality of "a name is just a name" and his current last name doesn't have any real historical significance (his grandfather was adopted and all family history before that is unknown). But we both don't know what we want to change it to. Personally I think it would be a very strong symbol of starting your new life together and the commitment to one another. We have a while to think about it, and if we don't decide before the wedding we can always change it later. :) So, you can suggest to him that you both change your last names.

summerbride09

Married: 08/15/2009
Reviews: 5

Posted On: Nov 23, 2008 at 6:24 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
What about hyphenating your name? This way you can hold onto your beliefs but still become part of a new whole. It may reduce instances of confusion, and when children come along they can have both names :) I personally can't wait to change my name, my FH wants to combine the two, this way we are both making a change....silly boys...what a headache that would be! Good Luck,

monarchmom

Married: 09/13/2008
Reviews: 5

Posted On: Nov 24, 2008 at 5:26 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
Well it's just a name nothing more. If someone decided to change the word DOG it would not change the animal would still be a dog even though someone changed what it was called. Maybe it's just me because I've had so many names. When I was born I had my 1st last name, then my mother got remarried when I was 9 & my stepfather adopted me (name #2). then I got married (name #3) then I got divorced & kept his name because of my daughter I didn't want confusion with schools & stuff with a different last name BUT then I got married again & really wanted to get rid of my ex's name so now I have a new one again!(name #4) The different names have never changed who I was I am still Kim and always will be. I think it will be easier in the future for your children if you all have the same family name but in the end the decision is entirely yours. Don't stress it's not that big of a deal. Good luck :)

Rev. Carleen Burns

"With This Ring" Wedding Ceremonies

Posted On: Nov 24, 2008 at 2:20 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
I got married for the first time at 32, and changed my name. It was a huge decision for me because I had lost my father just a couple years before. We were three girls and one of them already passed away. I was the oldest and first married. I felt like I was betraying my dad's memory and he had no boy to "carry on the name". Someone else before me said it best by saying what my friend said; it is just a name, your father will still be your father, and you will still be you. I am glad I changed my name now and it is easier for my boys, their friends (who would call me Mrs. Burns anyway) and when taking care of business for my husband who is usually on the road and I have to deal with things. Changing my name did not change my feelings that my parents instilled; I am a worthy person and capable of whatever I want-regardless of gender, age, etc. I still accidentally write my maiden name on checks every other year or so, after over 16 years of wedded bliss!

Thistle

Married: 10/17/2009
Reviews: 3

Posted On: Dec 16, 2008 at 12:20 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
FYI you can be just as feministy and still keep your name. Feminism is just about having the choice to do what you want. Since it is no longer required to change your name, you have that choice to do what you want. So I don't think you should feel that one option is more "feminist" than another option. Do what works for you. If you want convenience, change your name. If you like your name, keep it. As a young professional, I think it is unfair that women feel like they have to keep their name just so that people in the field will still recognize them. It is so not a big deal to have your work published under two different names. If you are important enough, then people will know you by any name you use. If you are not important enough (professionally), does it really matter? I also tell my fiance that if he wants to pick the kids' last name (e.g. have them use his), then I get to pick their first names. So there's that.

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