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Forgive a cheating fiance?
I recently found out my fiance cheated on me. He was sexually involved with another girl for a couple of weeks before telling me. He's an absolute idiot and asshole for doing this.

As you can see, our wedding is set to take place a little under 4 months from now. We're keeping the date for now, as I just found out about it.

He wants an open relationship, where we can be completely honest about the people to whom we are attracted, and can have friendships with a sexual aspect to them on occasion. This proposition seems pretty natural to him. (Please don't tell me it's an excuse for his cheating--I've heard the arguments for it, and I don't agree.)

My question is...how do I forgive him? Can I? Has anyone else gone through this that can give me some words of advice?

People have told me to leave him now, but I'm not sure I want to. Heck, the open marriage thing sounds fine. It's the cheating I'm having trouble with. I can't stand to think about it.

Anyone have anything helpful to say?

daeriel
Married: 05/24/2008
Posted On: Jan 29, 2008 at 3:06 AM | Add to My Watchlist | Flag As Inappropriate

6 Answers This question is closed for answers.


Married: 08/17/2008
Jan 29, 2008 at 11:16 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Is he Raelian? :) The point is not to tell you what kind of man he is or to define anything to you--that's not what you're asking for. You are in a position where you have to decide why he would be unfaithful, lie to you and then propose an open marriage. Just remember a man that lied to you about cheating can lie to you little things too! And those "little" things don't end up being so small, especially when you end up with an STD because he picked up some hooch from the bar when he was "out with the boys." That's scary, girl! And I wouldn't rely on his telling you he would always use protection and he promises he'd be safe and blah blah, bc the truth is, most guys don't use protection & most of them lie and say they do! If you want to share you body and have other's bodies shared with you, with a serious risk, then consent to it. But this is a reality of the situation & you have to find out if he is worth the infidelity, late nights, cover ups & trips to the health dept!

Married: 11/08/2008
Jan 30, 2008 at 1:15 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Marriage is about committing to each other. If the two of you aren't enough to make each other happy, then you don't belong together. The fact that he did this just a few months before your wedding says that he's definitely not ready for marriage. The fact that you call him an idiot and an asshole says that you do not believe in this type of relationship. I find it hard to believe that if he told you he was going to go out and sleep with someone you would be okay with it. I think that you are contemplating forgiveness, acceptance of this lifestyle, and continuuing with the marriage because you don't want to cancel the wedding. Don't go through with it if there's any doubt that it will last. Cancel the wedding, lose your deposits, people will understand. Then get your head out of high school and find someone who will commit to you.
Go sleep with someone and ask him how he feels about it the next morning when you kiss him as you walk through the door.

Life's not a talk show.

Married: 10/25/2008
Reviews: 1
Jan 29, 2008 at 9:39 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
I guess I am a little confused. If you don't have a problem with an "open marriage" which by definition is you can have other sexual partners then you should be okay with the marriage arrangement that you have stated. Are you upset that he did not tell you before he had the sexual activity, hence "cheating" by your definition? You had asked how do you forgive him? If he wants an open marriage and you are "okay" with that, you don't have to "forgive" anything, if it is an open marriage, because it will happen over and over again. Also, you may want to rethink what your marriage vows, because the "foresaking all others" should not be in there. Give it some thought...if you are this upset before you get married, then it will be magnified ten times over after you are married. Good luck with whatever you decide. And remember your feelings DO count!

MindyTwirl
Married: 06/27/2008
Reviews: 4
Jan 29, 2008 at 9:54 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
It's always unfortunate to hear that your significant other has not been faithful. An open relationship, is for people who are not ready to commit to one person, it's not about sexual appetite, especially if your partner is open to your ideas.

As someone who was in an open relationship for a year, and dated many others while my ex dated his share...it started to become too much. We connected amazingly in the bedroom and intellectually. But after that year we decided to become exclusive and let everything out, so that there was no question about anything. Well I may have been dating other men, but I never went further than kissing, and when he started listing the women he got involved sexually with, I became jealous. And I knew I couldn't trust him, even though he was honest from the beginning. It was the fact that while we were together being intimate, he was being sexually active with 2 or 3 girls. We're good friends now, and realized it was an interesting experiment.

Married: 07/06/2007
Reviews: 5
Jan 29, 2008 at 8:04 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
Whoa! I have to commend you first on putting this out in the piblic. Secondly, Im sorry that you have been put into this situation. Now, for my opinion. I am having a hard time trying to swallow the fact that now all of a sudden he wants to have an open relationship/marriage and be able to sleep with anyone after the fact that he cheated on you. I think if that is what he really wanted, he should have talked to you first and then done it...it would have made more sense( a little anyway). Anyway, he's asking you now to be what I would call a "swinger". You have every right to be upset, he's violated your trust, and thats not something that can simply be replaced with an, "its ok honey." So I think that you know whats the right thing to do, I don't need to tell you what to do, you do exactly what your heart tells you. Should you commit to that type of relationship, I wish you the best of luck!

Married: 04/26/2008
Reviews: 7
Jan 30, 2008 at 1:48 PM • Flag As Inappropriate
It seems a little odd to me that this is coming up now, and isn't something you discussed before you got engaged as you talked about your future together. That being said, no one can answer this for you. You just have to decide if this is what you really want. This is a completely different agreement than the one you accepted when you got engaged. If it were me, I'd be thinking of it as an entirely new proposal. Are these terms that you're willing to accept? Can you feel fulfilled with this man under these conditions? If you're at all uneasy about this new picture of your future together, you might consider at least postponing the wedding. You don't want to walk down the aisle full of doubts and confusion. It's also important that the two of you have time to come to an agreement and both have a clear understanding of each other's feelings and expectations. It would suck to get married only to find out that the commitment he thought he was making differs from what you assumed.
 

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